A draw and win and a loss to start the season. It would be nice to say the Slaaenesh devotees that comprise Beastiality were simply trying to pack in a full range of experiences. The truth is that the only thing they seem to do consistently is regress to the mean. Sitting at 30 league points after three games is the exact same record they held last season. Though, admittadly, having a win and fluke draw under the belt does feel a bit better than last season's perpetual draws due to lead-squandering.

Game 1: 1-1 - vs JIngs Dwarves - Grom's Beerback Blazers

If the most outlandish play of the week did not happen in the last turn of this game, the story would have been that the dwarves easily racked up atleast 15 1d POWs to repeatedly flatten Beastality all game. But, the outlandish play DID happen.

On turn 16, Double Penetration, Beastiality's second Minotaur broke a tackle and knocked a dwarf away from the ball. HPV, a marauder, GFI'd, picked up the ball in a tackle zone dodged and threw a ridiculous long pass over to a covered HIV (marauder) who caught the ball, dodged, GFI'd twice and scored the tieing TD. The entire play occured without needing to employ Beastiality's final team reroll. Both JIng and I were dumbfounded and I even apologized for raping him of what would have been a solid win.

Quote of the game: "Well @!#$ me, that worked" - Coach Warpstone, upon scoring the game-ending TD.

Game 2: 3-2 vs Harbinger's Dark Elves - Hydra Lords

Everything just fell apart for the Dark Elves. Opening drive brought pouring rain and the Dark Elf attempting a routine quick pass suddenly flubbed his throw like he was a human. Reacharound was true to his name, got the ball at midfield and scampered off for a score. Dark Elves quickly scored in their next drive and then Beastiality just started throwing POWs. The big guys routinely got 3 dice hits on the elves and the ground even got into the viciousness by SI'ing a dodging blitzer. Scoring to end the half and then again after half time led to the result being beyond doubt in the second half.

Harbinger meanwhile continues to have the most stunning bad luck. A scientific study of his rolls has found that he does roll an even distribution. Unfortunately, he rolls ones and skulls exactly at the worst possible moments and uses up his sixes when a simple 2 would do.

Quote of the game: "I'd rather do that then let him touch me" - Dark Elf Reacharound, in regards to successfully overcoming contempt for his peers with two handoffs for TDs to Gonorrhea.

Game 3: 2-0 vs Macphee's Chaos - Jundheim Ice Lords

An old fashioned whupping. What hurts isn't the loss of Herpes (injured for a -1ST, apo'd to dead and we kept the apoth's result), or the blank score, but rather the shear inability to make a single play all game. Beastiality finished with zero SPP besides the MVP. Brutal all around. The early game looked like the Pact might have turned over the Chaos opening drive, but whereas Syphilis piled on for 2 KO's, the Ice Lords found their groove in Turn 5 and started CASing marauders across the pitch.

In a sense, this was an easy loss to accept as Macphee's well played game and his CAS luck were impossible to overcome. There's really very little my perverts could do besides bend over and enjoy the pounding.

Quote of the game: "<yawn> It's okay, I'm just running a flag route this drive anyway." - Minotaur Double Penetration, while lazing on the Ice Lord's turf for 4 turns in the second half.

Warpstone's Coach's Corner

On a lack of scoring:
"What can you do. Reacharound's the franchise (he's taken to calling himself Reachize after latenight pep-sessions with Rex Ryan), but there's only so much he can do without support. At the same time, I'd rather players took the time to learn how to better beat the crap out of opponents before learning ball skills. So wait and see on this one. I've never liked my team to play tight 1-0 games like a bunch of gay dwarves, but what can you do?"

On having the same record as last year:
"It's a great case study. You see, last year, we had gameplans and tactics and got mediocre results. This year, we said '@#$! it, let Nuffle decide' and we've got the same results. The lesson in all this is that not thinking very much has not made an ounce of difference in our results."

On the season ahead:
"It's hard to say. The only thing we know is that it can always get worse. Still, the upcoming match against Endycarus' faeries will be a fun change of pace. Even if they blow us out, it will still be nice to see the occaisional ball finally be tossed into the air. Seriously, gay dwarfy caging might get hot and heavy, but Syphilis is the only one gets excited by that."

Recruiting Notice

Commencing this 3rd season, Beastiality has ceased to recruit from the pool of marauders devoted to erotic disease. Instead, new players have been signed from an engorged segment of marauders dedicated to exciting bodily fluids. Welcome #12 Splooge and #5 Smegma to the throbbing fold of pleasure that is Beastiality.